Fasting in lent and me in general and this year

I have a somewhat disturbed relationship with lent and fasting.

That's because I grew up "evangelical" in Bavaria. There were 5 girls in my Catholic school class that were not Catholic. And I was one of them. We 5 did not pray the Hail Mary's when everyone else did, for example. We had our own religion class and our own opening and closing services for the school year, together with other "evangelicals" from other schools. We were different.

During lent there was a hubbub in my convent school about whether our nun teachers had had breakfast.

When others are currently on some kind of fast, I feel no compulsion to join them. I maintain my liberty not to fast when others are fasting. I do admire them for it, though. I have no problem with it in principle.

This particular year, I really feel I don't need to fast in a special way. I think I have come as close as I ever will to having my own crucifixion. I have been a public spectacle in my pain for hundreds, may be a thousand to observe, or so it seems to me, and it's not finished, yet. Of course, it does not compare, but there are similarities. It is a very tough and awkward thing. I am not an extremely private person (as you see). I think it would be even worse for others.

Maybe I should have come up with a fast to focus on Christ's crucifixion instead. It's not too late. There is more lent left. Maybe starting Monday. I'll think about it tomorrow.